Loafin'

Shirt: Old Navy, thrifted
Cardigan: Old Navy
Jeans: Old Navy
Shoes: Target
(not seen) Earrings: Forever 21

This is quite the Old Navy outfit, aye? Didn't even notice until I wrote the outfit description. Tonight is the last Christmas celebration of the year. It seems so stressful preparing for Christmas but then when it is over, it seems so sad. Looking forward to the new year though! 

 

New loafers, kind of felt like Michal Jackson :)

Hello Free Dress

You know what I like about this outfit? The dress was free. Can it get any better?

Dress: Freeesies, Ralph Lauren
Tights: gift
Shoes: Payless, bought with giftcard

These shoes were kind of a big deal for me because I used to be 100% against wedged shoes. I don't know why, but I hated them. Something changed in me though...a magical surreal experience where I realized that I now love wedges. So, here they are, my first pair of wedged pumps and I LOVE them. 

Wore this outfit for a night out of a friend yesterday. Afterwards, proceeded to watch the whole season of the FX show, American Horror Story. I loved it, if you haven't watched and have 12 hours to kill, watch it!

Shirt: Target
Jeans: Kmart
Shoes: Target
Scarf: gift

Bag: gift

Ring: Pac Sun
Bracelets: Craft Fair and gift
Earrings: ???

Enjoying a warm California winter which includes lots of sleep, lots of TV, lots of time with family and friends and lots of time to play with my clothes. Good times, man, good times. 

Musical Musing- Shake it Out

I've been listening to "Shake it Out" by Florence & the Machine almost every day since I first discovered it. It is interesting how sometimes a secular song can reach you more spiritually than a Christian song. Now, I know that Florence & the Machine are not Christian and that it's not necessarily what the song was intended for, but it definitely reached me in a spiritual way.

The song delves into the struggle to leave the past behind, to feel held down with regrets and the feeling of carrying a great weight. The song begins with, "Regrets collect like old friends/ here to relive your darkest moments." It continues later with, "And I've been a fool / I've been blind / I can never leave the past behind." Listening to this song, you can just feel and relate to the weight she is talking about. You can feel all the feelings and memories you are still caring, the ones that hold you down; the ones that make you depressed; the ones that cause you to waste time avoiding them.

The main line in the song is "And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back/ So shake him off /oh woah" This is what got me when first listening to the song. You are carrying the devil on your back- everything that is telling you can't, that you're not worthy, that you have to live in regret, that you are not good enough, that you are not beautiful, that you are your past, that you are nothing. It would be hard to dance while carrying that much baggage. So shake it off. No doubt it will come up to haunt you every day, but every day, shake it off.

The song continues with, "I am done with my graceless heart/ So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart." God gives us a chance to restart everyday. In one day we accumulate so much baggage- bitterness, jealousy, envy, insecurity, self-hatred, fear, anger, etc. I'm sure there are countless things we could name. It amazes me though that if I allow it to happen, I can renew my heart and soul every day.

I can shake the devil off everyday, I can cut out my graceless heart everyday.

She sings, "It's always darkest before the dawn." To feel and see the light that is Jesus requires first experiencing the darkness of our humanity. But the light will come, it always does, anytime you need it.

The more I reflect on these ideas, the more I struggle daily with the same feelings, the more I learn how difficult it is to truly shake the devil off.  Negative feelings run deep. It's much easier to lose positive feelings, which is a sad truth. Although, it shows the need for something more powerful than ourselves to relieve us from the chains that are our own emotions. The hardest part is that it is a choice to turn to Him and find freedom. Most of the time though, it's easier to hold on to them, find means to escape them, but to never truly let them go.

I want to learn how to shake the devil off daily and mean it. I'm tired of feeling trapped by emotion, feelings, and regrets.

So I guess my question is for this musing, is What does it look like to not just escape but to find real freedom?

Community...(college, that is)

Being a transfer student. That little fact about me as affected me in ways that I never thought would. I never realized that there would be much of a difference transferring from one school to another versus going into a University as a freshmen. I'm learning more and more how wrong that assumption was. Transferring, is, well, kind of a weird process.

I have already realized that the years in college, or in your early 20's, are the most defining in your young life. You develop so much of who you are, your personality, friendships, interests, beliefs, etc. I began that process in community college. I left high school early and entered community college at 16. I was a young and lost little puppy that year. However, going to college, and becoming involved in InterVarsity Christian Fellowship (at the time the new and first faith based club on campus) became instrumental in my growth and development as a person.

I grew so much while attending community college and developed my closest friendships. I experienced so much in such a close knit community and learned more about Jesus and my faith than ever anticipated. Looking back on those four years (yes, FOUR YEARS!) attending my local college, I appreciate it so much more than I thought I would, and miss it more than I realize.

So, that brings me into the now. I attend a large University, am brand new, but am not a freshman. Going into a college as junior, where everyone your age is already so integrated into the school and already have their friends and life, is weird. For me personally, I have felt like I am starting the whole college process over again. Which, feels really weird. I feel like this is something I've already been through and have already had. I feel like I am having to "find myself" all over again, if that makes sense. It makes it hard to reconcile your feelings while attending. In other ways, I am so excited and feel so blessed to even have the opportunity to go to school, a luxury that I know many do not get to experience.

I know that God has me here for a reason, wouldn't send me here without a purpose, etc. But I would be lying if I didn't say that it's tough at times, and a bit of a lonely process. Entering into a new place, moving out of your home, and starting school with a harder and larger work load- it feels like a lot of newness all at once. It makes me just want to escape and do nothing, however, I know that is not the answer.

I know that this is also a process, and I need to allow myself time to adjust, and not feel like I need to have it all together right away. I know I stepped into this experience feeling that way- that I had to make super best friends right away, do awesome in all my classes, be involved with a million clubs, go to everything, attend every event possible. I feel more pressure since I only have two years here rather than the usual four that most have. However...I got to ease up on myself. I end up in a spiral of disappointment and guilt for all the things I am NOT doing. And this is where I end up doing nothing- when everything seems just too overwhelming.

So, I don't know exactly what my next steps are, but changing something has to be one of them. I want my last two years of college to be good. I want to experience all the opportunities that this school offers- with a humble and grateful heart. The first step is to get back on track with my school work. I have been slacking because of all the emotional baggage going on in my own head is making it hard to stay focused and motivated.

I'm praying for focus, motivation, and comfort. I know God's got my back, and he's keeping me company always, despite how often I don't acknowledge it. The other day, while not feeling too great about a lot of the things mentioned above, I came upon this verse, "It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed." -Deut 31:8

God's already been in all the places that I am going, so I have nothing to fear.

Outfit details:
Cardigan: Gap
Short: Old Navy
Sweater: (light pink) Kohls
Tights: Target?
Boots: Bass
Scarf: Grandmother's scarf from her trip to Russia

Trying to stay warm in creative ways, jeans and leggings can get boring and repetitive. Plus this is a nice way to still get to wear your shorts when the weather gets chilly. I also paired it with boot socks to add a little extra warmth!

Off to take my exam...blah! 

Lumberjack

Outfit Details:
Plaid Shirt: Target
Blazer: Old Navy, thrifted
Jeans: Target, boot cut
Shoes: (not seen) black flats from Payless

I was trying to figure out a way to make a plaid lumberjack shirt a little more feminine and put together, so it didn't feel as much like pajamas. I love this shirt for that reason, but for being out and around school, I like to feel a little more put together. Fortunately, you usually can never go wrong with a black blazer.

I used Instagram app on my Ipod touch to take this picture. I've noticed it's a really good app to make a crappy quality picture into something that looks decent. Of course it's fun too that it makes it look all vintage.

Anyways, exam tomorrow, off to study!

Instagramin'

Today is Tomorrow

Have you ever heard of the website pinterest? I believe people just post things they like or find on the internet on it. But let me tell you, it is pretty addicting and entertaining. I found it when I was looking at one of my favorite healthy living bloggers, Healthy Tipping Point , when she posted this "pin" she found. I can't seem to get this phrase out of my head lately. I just feel like it rings so true. How many times do we say we'll start something tomorrow? Everyday I tell myself, "tomorrow is the day when you'll finally ________" insert whatever there. The truth is though, I tend to never do it. So lately, when I start procrastinating something I need or want to do, I try to remind myself, "Yesterday, you said tomorrow, it's now tomorrow." Not that it always works, but it helps. I just feel tired of reflecting on my day and regretting all the things I didn't do. I hate going to sleep with things on my to do list still unchecked or homework still not completed. However, I don't want to just apply this to practical things- I want to apply it life things. Making new friendships, joining clubs, volunteering, and experiencing new things. I have so much opprotunity right in front of me that it feels overwhelming to know what to do or where to start, but I don't want to look back and realize that instead of taking a chance, I did nothing.
"You don't have to do everything, you just have to do something."

Here is to 2011 Growth and Development

I know I am already nine days into the new year but I really didn't take time before the new year began to set up some goals for where I hope to see my life by 2012. (It is weird to even write that number I remember celebrating 2000!)

I have three major goals that I want to pursue this year:

The first one, which is typically my first goal every year as I continually need this, is to develop and explore a deeper relationship with God. To do this through reading scripture, prayer, practicing listening, worship, fellowship, evangelism and service. I know that is a lot, but I hope that by taking baby steps I will be able to become a little bit stronger in each area. A good start has been reading some books on christian living. I was definitely feeling a spiritual rut towards the end of 2010 and I was feeling a bit down about a lot of things because of it. I knew I needed to turn back to the hope and fulfillment that I can find in Jesus. I also have a decent amount of books on Christianity that are on my shelf unread. So far it has been really helpful.

Secondly, I want to work on creating a more loving and positive self body image as well as encouraging others to do the same. Last semester I took a class on Media and Society and learned a lot about how much of how we see ourselves, judge ourselves and judge others is affected by what the media and our society feeds us. We grow up with T.V., magazines, and our culture telling us how we should look. Commercials tell us that if our hair doesn't look a certain way, or if our skin has imperfections, obviously something is wrong with you. Along with being raised with the media telling you all these things, our culture does too. Just think about high school and the pressures faced to fit in. Many people are victims to bullying and teasing merely because of how they look, because our culture tells them that because they look different, there must be something wrong with them. Plastic surgery, botox, lip injections, "age-defying" creams- all things that tell us that something about us is wrong. I myself, as much as I would like not to, subject myself to the same thing. I have spent a lot of time worrying about how I appear, wondering if guys think I'm pretty, wondering how I could be prettier, always thinking I need to lose a few pounds and picking apart every imperfection on my body. "I know I'll be happier with my body when..." would be a line that would run across my mind often. They were usually goals that I never attained. I was fortunate to have a family who always instilled me with encouraging words and never criticized me for my looks. I know a lot of my insecurities and flawed thinking is merely being a product of my culture and the media that I am exposed to. Part of 2011 will breaking myself of negative thoughts about my body and learning to accept it as a beautiful gift from God and hoping to encourage others to see themselves in the same way. A line that won't leave my mind  is that our bodies shouldn't be honored for how they appear but for what they do. And our bodies can do a lot: walk, run, dance, cook, hike, laugh, see, hear, build a fence, change a tire, etc. etc. The list could keep going. I got this idea from a book I am reading called Unsqueezed: Springing Free from Skinny Jeans, Nose Jobs, Highlights, and Stilettos by Margot Starbuck. It is a book that discusses "why God really gave us bodies and what we can do with them." I'm sure I will be referencing it more in other posts!


My third major goal is to continue to make steps to living a more sustainable and eco-friendly lifestyle. In 2010 my family and I began making changes to live a more Earth-friendly lifestyle. These changes included replacing plastic water bottles with reusable aluminum water bottles (our brand of preference: Kleen Kanteen), replacing paper napkins with cloth ones, and being recycling psychos (meant in a loving way :) ). Also, mostly using reusable bags for shopping. My major goal this year is to decrease in my use of plastic. I hope to not use any plastic bags this year and to remember to bring reusable cloth bags when in any store. Also, for Christmas my parents got me an eco-cup (this isn't the same one but is pretty much the same things), and my goal is to remember to bring it with me in order to avoid using any disposable plastic cups. I also have a goal for eating at restaurants that give plastic utensils and paper napkins, to bring my own reusable utensils and cloth napkin. Th more plastic we can keep out of our landfills the better! And of course, always trying to take the environment into consideration with any decision or purchase.

In a nutshell, those are three things that I've made steps toward working on already, but want to commit to more deeply in this year. I tend to be a bit all over the place with things (hence the title of my blog) so I know I'll have many ups and downs. I know I will still have days where I feel disconnected with God, criticize my body, and choose convenience over Earth-friendliness. However, I hope to just take it all one step at a time and not be so hard on myself. I need to understand that change doesn't happen overnight. And hopefully,  I will see real progress when I reread this on January 9, 2012. I would love to have some new years resolutions that I actually keep. And again, I hope I remember to continue to blog about all of this :)

Reflections on 2010

Well, the new year is here. My blog is about a year old now, even though I only kept it consistently updated for part of the year. It still feels nice to have had it for a while, and have, to a degree, kept with it. I am happy 2010 is over though. 2010 was an incredible year, but a difficult one as well. I feel that although I grew so much in 2010, I fell into a bit of a slump. I was in such a transition into figuring myself out that I felt a bit lost at times. However, there were some moments in 2010 that I am grateful to have gone through because of the growth I received from it. Despite feeling the slump of figuring out who I am, 2010 was definitely not a wasted here. Here are some reflections on big moments for me from the year:

Bringing in the new year at Urbana was probably the best possible way to start 2010r. Urbana is a national missions conference held by InterVarsity. It occurs ever three years in St. Louis, Missouri and I was so happy to able to attend. For about a week, you hear different speakers, attend seminars, bible studies, and you get to explore St. Louis. I learned so much about God, his views on the hurt in the world, and I now have a stronger passion for seeking justice. It is also the place where I felt called to do the Fresno Urban Internship. On new years eve, I was in a stadium with over 15,000 people, praising God, dancing, and celebrating with my close friends. It was such a beautiful experience and I cherish the memory.

Committing to a dating fast for a year has also been a pivotal part of 2010. I committed to this the day before spring break, the day my boyfriend and I of two years broke up. I had been a serial monogamist since I was about 13. I went from relationship to relationship, with the longest gap of singleness being about two months. Being consistently in relationships from 13-19 caused me to never have a full grasp on who I was or where my identity was. I began to realize that I was starting to shape into a new person as I got older and as I realized what my passions were. This didn't seem to coincide with the relationship I was in, and I knew, as painful as it was, that I needed to take time on my own. I have been taking this time to work on myself, become a stronger person in terms of guys, and learning to be patient and rely on God's timing. While sometimes I struggled, this time of singleness has been well needed and refreshing. I am amazed at how much I have learned about myself through it!

Spring break camp this year was also an intense and rewarding experience. For the last two spring breaks I have gone to InterVarsity's spring break camp. It is a camp on Catalina island where you go for a week and inductively study the book of Mark for 8 hours a day. Along with that you get to stay on a gorgeous island, hike, kayak, spend time with friends and have your mind blown from everything you learn. This year, it was my second time going, so I studied the second half of the book of Mark. This included Jesus' death and resurrection. The night we studied Jesus' death, one of our leaders read a medical description of Jesus' death, we read the scripture, and watched part of The Passion. I cried consistently through the whole thing. I had just come off a difficult break up and was in a bit of a sad spell. When I sat and thought deeply about the intense pain and sacrifice that Jesus' went through, my problems seemed so small. It is so good to be writing about it here now, as it is reminding me of those feelings again. I left spring break camp feeling refreshed and ready to heal and with a huge appreciation and gratefulness for Jesus.

The Fresno Institute for Urban Leadership. I spent six weeks in Fresno over summer participating in the Fresno Urban Internship (FUI). I worked during the week with an organization called World Impact. I worked with a group that held bible clubs for kids where we sang songs, taught lessons, hung out with the kids, and served them lunch. I wasn't sure how I would feel working with kids as I never considered myself a "kid person." However, I was so impacted by these kids! You can learn so much about a community and life through kids. They were in such difficult situations and it was so unfair what such innocent kids had to be subject too. My heart went out to them every time I saw them, and I completely enjoyed every minute I was able to spend with them (even when they were difficult!). I also attended urban leadership classes where I learned about the inner city, causes for poverty, gangs, immigration, etc. They were so interesting! I got to hear so many amazing people speak about their stories in the inner city and how God is working in such a dark place. I was so inspired by the re-locaters (people who intentionally move to the 'bad' areas of the inner city) and the commitment they made to restoring the inner city. Fresno was probably one of the biggest growing experiences of my life and developed a passion for God's heart for social justice- restoring communities and people affected by injustice and poverty- and bringing hope. I really could go on and on about the people I met and experiences I had at FUI! I created some great friends too and love all the other students who I experienced the internship with!

Applying to college was also an interesting experience. I have been attending a community college for the last few years as I graduated high school early and needed some time to figure out what I wanted to do. In November, I applied to UCSB and Cal Poly for the Fall 2011 semester. It was exciting to be filling out the ticket to the next chapter of my life, but also scary as so much in my life will change! I will be moving out of my house, and starting a new school with so many new people. I can't wait, but I also want to make sure to really enjoy the time I have left of being a student at my community college, the friends I've made here, and living with my family for a few more months. The future is so crazy to think about but I know its in Good hands.

Turning 20 was also kind of crazy! It's weird to no longer be a 'teen.' But I am more than happy to join the 20's club! 

The end of 2010 was partly rocky due to some hard things going on, however, my family and I shared a really lovely Christmas together. My mom made homemade tamales, and on Christmas eve we had a great night of eating together, playing board games, and just having a good time. On Christmas day we opened presents to each other and had another day together of just enjoying being together. It was two beautiful and stress-free days. It was a great way to begin winding down from 2010. The last day of 2010 was spent at home with my family and a few close friends. My dad made homemade chicken strips, we played board games and ate a ton of fried food. What better way to bring in the new year!? It was such a happy way to end the year and start a new one.

I am so grateful for these and many other experiences that I had in 2010. I grew so close with my friends and family this year as well, and I know that I have made some lifelong friends. I am still working on figuring out what all my goals are for 2011, but I know this will also be a big year for me. It's my last semester at my current college, and I will be transferring to a new one. I'll be leaving my childhood home with my parents, and my best friend will be moving across the country. It's going to be a year of transitions! And lets hope I remember to blog about it :)